I Did Not Know
To: M. G. M. ~ From: ADivine
Dear M. G. M.,
Love has taught me and Love has changed me since we've met, when I knew you were the only man I ever really loved and the only man I ever wanted to be with - for life. From the start I could see us together and I heard my heart say, "I am going to marry Mike" (This was even before our first date!) I was shocked, (You were not my type!) but I was happy.
Then my head got in the way and my ego and my false pride took over and I played games. I begin to see all the things about you I wanted to change. False pride made me feel afraid that you did not love me and this caused me to feel insecure. Then ego gave you the "love test" and of course you failed. Now I know why: false pride does not TRUST and ego does not know true love.
When expectations grew, my egotistical, selfish personality took over and my love for you became "conditional." I was torn and confused and I did not understand the love/hate relationship that was developing between us, so I broke up with you. (Better I do this then to go through hell with someone who did not love me.) Yet, after breaking up, I hurt every day for so long. I cried every night for several weeks. I hoped by some miracle you might intuitively know this. I did not believe the break-up might hurt you because, falsely, I believed you had no feelings for me. After the break up, I did not know where to go or what to do.
Fortunately, Love was still present and finally I did surrender and let it guide me through the hurt and the lessons I needed to learn. Gradually, everything became clearer and with the "ego" and the "false pride" out of the way, I began to grow and I came to realize my mistakes and could see where I went wrong.
In retrospect and with clarity, I can see how I actually loved you "just the way you were" - you were being yourself and that is what attracted me to you in the beginning. I wish I had never lost sight of that and I wish I had not tried to change you. If I am ever lucky enough to have you back in my life, I will never try to change you again. I will let true love direct our course.
I saw you last night, with someone else. To my surprise, I became aware of the deep admiration and respect I have for you and for myself. I believe this to be an example of the "unconditional" true love I now know. I am truly sorry for the hurt in our relationship and I am truly sorry that I did not know what I did not know. But, perhaps it had to happen in order for us to be where we are now, and for me to grow.
Mike, I never want you to be hurt again. I will always believe that true love is our everlasting, unchanging guide. And I trust that it will direct the course of our lives.
I still love you,