To The Friend I Love
To: Alex ~ From: Chris
It is again dark outside. I am sitting in my room in front of the monitor, with the keyboard in front of me. Again waiting to see your nickname on the screen and have a nice chat with so many feelings in each word. I feel you so near and so distant in the same moment. Every day I find something new in you, something that makes me feel different but sure in one thing - you are not only my friend, you are something more, something deeper. Do you feel the same?
I am not sure in your feelings anymore. Not sure of what I am for you in fact? Am I just another nickname in your list or I am something special as you are for me. I am trying to find the answer by myself, but as I am trying I am getting scared of the answer I may find behind all this. I am not the one you wanted ... or it is you who have changed? I know that I am not the one to blame you, nor the one to want something special, because you are the second one in my heart and you know that I can not change this even if I love you more than I want to. I know that I am the one that makes the thing so complicated, but you said that you are ready for this and you want me after all. Is it still that way?
I remember the day when I decided that I couldn't hide my feeling from you anymore. I wrote you an SMS message and told you what I feel. You were so happy and motivated about the future and so many things were so beautiful and unreal in our relationship that I began thinking that I have found the real love. The love that must be kept and need all my loving. But after some time I began feeling forgotten, unwanted and left behind. Everything was important, but me. Everyone was near you, except me. I wanted to have you near, to feel you as a friend and even like a lover, to share and be there, but it seemed so hard for you to give me these things. I told you so many times that I need them.
After all these days and nights I know that I found a friend, but I am not sure if it is the real love. But I know that I have found my first true love and I will keep it that way. I also know that I will give you all the love you need, or at least all the love you want me to give you. I know that I will love you in a way I cannot show and cannot explain to you. I just want to be loved by you, at least as a friend. Let me know if you have changed you opinion about us. Let me know what has changed or if I am the one who does not understand things. I love you, my only sin! I love you as a friend and as a lover.